How to Write a Holy Book in 6 Easy Steps

So, you’ve got yourself a religion. You saw some miracles, had some fun, but now your saviour’s kicked it, some men wearing skirts are trying to kill you, and suddenly it occurs to you that someone should probably write all that God stuff down. Don’t panic. With this guide, writing a bible has never been easier! Just follow these simple steps and before you know it, you’ll have yourself a text that will be revered for generations.

Step 1. Don’t worry too much about writing exactly what God/the prophet said. Yeah yeah, maybe he said “That is an abomination”, maybe he said “I’m not particularly fond of fruit salad.” I mean, he didn’t expect you to remember all that stuff did he? You’re pretty sure you know what he was trying to say anyway.

Step 2. Be cryptic. Nothing irritates people more than religious messages that are easy to understand. If any Joe Blow can get something out of it, what’s the point of reading in the first place? Don’t worry if some parts don’t even make sense. People will just assume that it doesn’t make sense because God is so much smarter than they are. After all, God created the universe. What have they done lately?

Step 3. Make it long. I mean really long. People should die of starvation if they try to read this thing cover to cover. The advantages of this are two-fold. First of all, it makes God’s message seem really complicated and, consequently, you seem really smart for knowing all that stuff. Second of all, in the event that you get caught doing what closed-minded people would call “unethical”, you can just tell them the bible said it was okay. If the book is long enough, most people won’t have time to read the whole thing. Even those that do won’t remember it all, so you can always just add stuff later and claim it was in there all along. To supplement this technique, add a bunch of lengthy inconsequential bits that no-one cares about, like “Sam begat Harry begat Kelly begat Copernicus” etc.

Step 4. Contradictions, contradictions, contradictions. This is really key. Whenever you say one thing, make sure to say the exact opposite somewhere else. That way, you and your followers have a diverse selection of morals for any given day in a handy multiple-choice format. For instance, let’s suppose you wrote that everyone should love their neighbor. But then Larry goes off on a vision quest or something and some loud, obnoxious guy that you can’t stand moves in next door! You might think you’d be pretty stuck. Luckily though, you also wrote that if your neighbor really annoys you, it is your moral obligation to beat him to death with a rusty hammer.

Contradictions are also a particularly effective way to make normally straight-forward messages cryptic. “Do not kill” isn’t quite ambiguous enough and may result in actual moral restrictions. But when coupled with “beat your neighbor to death with a rusty hammer” it becomes a real noodle-scratcher, and theologists will debate all kinds of crazy interpretations of it for centuries.

Step 5. Prophecies. Once you’ve basically finished your book, it might be a good idea to throw a prophecy or two into the mix. Caution: Your followers will actually expect these things to happen. So try to avoid using actual dates if possible.

Step 6. Have fun! Writing a book can at times be a trying experience, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it! Go a little crazy; make the bad guy shoot lightning bolts out of his eyes or give someone a funny hat for comic relief. The chances that your successors won’t go messing around with your work later are pretty slim anyway, so have a little fun while it lasts.

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